10 running article titles we'd enjoy seeing (and never will)

In the spirit of Carl Hiaasen's "Released secret transcript from the last Mar-a-Lago party"-style columns...

• Your Absurd Running Goals: Merely Unrealistic or Signs of Psychosis?

• The Top 15 Marathons Where You Can Evade Intermediate Chip Mats

• The 12 Most Obviously Doped-Up "Clean" Distance Runners of Yesteryear

• 238 Instagram Runners Whose Countless Ass Photos Are Identical

• Why USATF Should Worry About The RICO Act

• The 9 Local 5Ks in America That Are Accurate to Within a Football Field

• Why Potassium's Not to Blame For Your Marathon Cramps, You Undertrained Fool

• Should Running With a Husky in Florida Be a Capital Crime?

• How to Determine Who Farted During the Weekly Fun-Run

• 7 Ways to Convince Yourself That Your Running Blog Matters

I considered including relevant links, but that would be both mean and unnecessary, and worse, would require work on my part.