BREAKING: Woman in trucker hat sets new city-wide mark for the most hideously self-absorbed public act by a young Boulder mother
Witnesses were unable to ascertain the age or sex of the soon-to-be embattled child
BOULDER, Colo.—A blonde woman described as “around thirty” and “kind of big-butted, all things considered” has broken the months-old city-wide record for the most outrageously dismissive behavior toward her own young child in a public setting, multiple sources are reporting from within the People’s Republic.
The record was toppled in the Park East neighborhood, although witnesses were unclear whether the woman who now owns the standard also resides there. The event, which was not disclosed to the public in advance of its staging, occurred at approximately 3:37 p.m. Mountain Time on the Bear Canyon Creek Path in the vicinity of the Park East Square condominium cluster.
The former record-holder, believed to be more of a brunette, had achieved the mark while riding a bicycle with a girl of around two behind her in a child-seat while she talked using a phone headset in imperious, loud tones to an unidentified party.
According to reporting by independent media, in that instance, the girl’s mother ignored her daughter’s cries of “Mommy, mommy, the dog is being good!” as the pair disappeared into a tunnel traveling north under Arapahoe Avenue, a major east-west artery pockmarked by crater-like potholes and favored by stoned young drivers—a combination that, according to the same independent media, regularly gets someone fucking killed.
That mother, one witness also traveling along the Foothills Parkway Path claimed, was “probably hot” based on her derriere, but was wearing a helmet and sunglasses as well as riding at a speed that made properly registering her true hotness difficult.
In this morning’s episode, sources say, the mother was running at perhaps six miles per hour while pushing a child in a running stroller. At the time, she was maneuvering the stroller down a slight downgrade with one hand and holding an iPhone, model undetermined, in the other. As with the mother whose record she was in the process of toppling, the woman was fitted with earphones for the purpose of yammering to a third party via smartphone.
At one point, the child began yelling for their mother from their seat in the stroller, two witnesses said. The woman, deep in her phone conversation, did not merely ignore her own child’s demand for attention, but actively tried to “shush” her to allow the phone session to continue undisturbed.
“That upped entire game in, like, a significant way,” said one dismayed local expert in the phenomenon of mothers who bring their young children along for rides and walks, only to treat those children as nuisances for spurious reasons.
“The lady on the bike was an asshole, but she may not have heard her kid and in any case was neglectful, not hostile,” observed the expert, who works as a used-car salesperson. “But stopping a run, bending over, and going ‘Settle down, mommy is busy’?” the expert said. “That’s like fuckin’ whoooooa territory.”
“What if the kid just dropped a load in its pants?” added another witness. “What if a bee just stung it?”
The newly anointed record-holder is described by this miniature consortium of witnesses and experts as between five and six feet tall and weighing in the range of one hundred to two-hundred and fifty pounds—the latter figure known colloquially as “a deuce and a half.” She was allegedly wearing a black unitard and a white trucker-style cap, the headgear choice adding a level of goofiness to the ensemble but not contributing to her record-level neglect.
“She needs to watch the size of that ass, too,” the car salesman added, citing a number of grave marital statistics pertinent to Boulder without naming his source.
“If she’s living in this neighborhood, she may not be Chautauqua Park rich,” one area man who saw the new record set and got an A-minus an intro-level college psychology course explained. “But she’s got it pretty easy. compared to most American mothers.”
“That’s probably not going to last if she keeps expanding, especially not once her husband figures out why his son or daughter is acting out all the fuckin’ time,” the man concluded grimly.
The area man—who requested anonymity so that he could freely use overtly racialist and sexist language, but ultimately refrained from doing this anyway—said that the unseen father “may have a serious drinking problem of his own” by the time the beleaguered child’s behavior begins to scale with his or her playing a background role for so many years.
“They’ll just put the kid quietly on whatever antidepressant is trendy among white libtards at some point,” the man speculated, assuring those around he had “seen this same shit before.”
“But hey,” the man added with a bitter laugh. “At least the kid will be able to say that his or her mom won a bunch of Boulderthon medals.” The armchair psychologist finished by observing that this child will “almost certainly” act out sexually before, and more often than, peers unscathed by such childhood episodes.