Ghost post: Kilgore's Four Great Truths
"If you can accept existence in all its horror, if you can stare Fate straight in the face without flinching, then you will know some taste of happiness."
I started regularly writing for Running Times in 1999. From that year until mid-2004, I maintained different versions of a discussion board on the personal website I’d built in 1998. As even half-functional social-media sites such as MySpace didn’t exist until 2005 or so, such discussion boards were about the only places people without their own websites could broadcast their words to multiple people using the Internet. We need to return to this standard immediately, but that’ll never fucking happen.
Many Beck of the Pack readers will remember this misbegotten feature, which would occasionally disappear and reappear days or weeks later after one of my upgrades to the forum software, extended personal drunken tantrums, or both. Those who remember A Donnybrook of Overstated Jibber-Jabber undoubtedly recall a notoriously eloquent and boundaries-pushing poster who went by Kilgore. On one day, this guy might complain about the damage “the blacks” had done to the United Stares, while the next he would expand on Epicurean philosophy. He enjoyed monitoring and manipulating the egos of the most gregarious regulars, many of whom were second-tier-type runners like me. He came across as either a cheerful nihilist or purposefully bipolar, and he was always intriguing whether he was being a pain in the ass or offering advice.
After I shitcanned the Donnybrook for good in 2004, Kilgore started a bloglike project he called Mondo Kilgore. This didn’t last long, as he was soon found by Blogspot to be in violation of essentially every one of Google’s terms of service (not easy to do in those days).
I never learned Kilgore’s real name; I never pressed for it despite corresponding with him off the forum a fair amount. I have a good idea of the inspiration for the moniker.
I’m confident that he was white, male and lived in the Southeastern U.S., but after Mondo Kilgore was slain, Kilgore never again posted to any of my blogs or sites, at least not under his nom de plume. He either somehow lost interest in online banter, died, was institutionalized, or continued posting to the Internet under a different name, perhaps even his own.
Someone I have “known” since the days of the Donnybrook recently sent me a copy of a memorable Kilgore post from sometime in 2002. The only changes I made were bolding proper and semi-random nouns (my version of proofreading, which is clearly suboptimal).
THE FOUR GREAT TRUTHS
I.
The first great truth I will impart is this. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, it probably isn't wise to start with a downer but trust me when I say this is the good news. No matter how bad life gets, you can always comfort yourself with the knowledge that it will end. Life is not so good that you should want it to go on forever. If you've ever clutched porcelain and prayed for the gods to strike you down in a vain attempt to secure some relief after a night of binge drinking, then you already know that dying is not the worst thing that can ever happen to you.
I do not believe there is life after death. When you're dead, you are gone. Finis. Adios amigo. Don't worry. You won't feel a thing. You won't even know it because there will be no you to know it. Your irrational fear of death is nothing more than your own ego that can stand nothing more than its own annihilation. Yet, would you prefer to haunt the earth for eternity? Would you prefer hell? No. But that is exactly what you are asking for in wanting to live forever because there is no heaven except the heaven in your mind.
Fate has made it so that as long as you are contributing to the Great Plan then you will find life. If not, then you are tossed out. This is why I recommend that you work hard, procreate, participate in life, run every fucking day, and don't waste another single moment of your time in front of that TV. Make no plans for retirement because retirement only hastens death. And if you die young, make the universe regret your loss and wish it could take it back if it were capable of feeling.
II.
My second great truth is this. THERE IS NO GOD.
This will bug the hell out of your folks who are God-fearing Christian people. But I tell you now that the God you know is nothing more than a psychic projection. It is your own wish for what you want things to be. You can pray for the rest of your lives, and God isn't going to do a thing. It won't matter because the false comfort is all you really want.
If you ever find yourself up against it and needing a hand, God isn't there. God isn't there for the co-ed who was kidnapped, raped, and left naked and dead in a dumpster over in the next county back in January. God isn't there for the young man who was falsely imprisoned and now finds himself embuggered nightly by three men he calls cellmates. He can pray while he is biting that pillow case begging the Lord to spare him the agony, but no one will hear him. But do not weep for this young man or this young woman because they were more blessed than you. They saw the reality and gave up whatever delusions they had. No God was going to save them, and no God is going to save you either.
But enough with the good news. Let's get to the serious shit.
III.
My third great truth is this. A JOB IS WHERE YOU ENDURE PAIN FOR MONEY.
Sorry to be pissing on your dreams like this, but this is the way it is. Many of you are looking forward to fulfilling careers, but you must never lose sight of one important thing. The whole reason you are working is to make a buck.
Your employer may try to fill you up with all of that career building bullshit, but this is just subterfuge to make you feel better about taking lower pay and more work. I cannot tell you how many times when in arguments with my dipshit bosses that they would dangle a promotion in front of me as if that was the carrot that would make me get back into line. I told them to shove it, and you should do the same thing.
Your value to a company is how much revenue you can generate for them. They do not love you or appreciate you. If they do, then they aren't paying you enough. No matter what happens, as long as you are generating sufficient revenue for them, you won't get fired. But the moment you fall down in this respect, your ass is out the door. It doesn't matter that your wife is dying of cancer or any of that other stuff.
Produce or leave. That is the bottom line.
Now, I know some of you harbor some secret dream of getting paid to do something that is a hobby. Maybe writing for Rolling Stone or becoming an artist or an actor. Get over it. Odds are, you're not going to succeed, and if you do succeed, the pay is lousy unless you get famous. But that is a whole other can of worms.
Some of you others want glory instead. You want to be famous and well-respected. You might run for office or make it big in sports or the media.
But fame only amplifies what you have right now. A lot of people will love you while a few will absolutely hate you, but only the ones who hate you will try to bomb your house instead of being content with dirty looks. And you will end up hating all of them. When someone offers to hold your johnson while you give them an autograph in the restroom, then you will know that fame and glory are a crock of shit.
It is withering under the spotlight, folks. Trust me on that shit. You may recall the videotape stolen from my garage and then copied and sold over the internet where I am having the fourway with Rosie O'Donnell, the midget, and the bowl of lime green Jell-O with the carrots cut up in it. That was not my proudest moment, and I realized then that I regretted climbing into this fishbowl of fame. But I cannot undo that now, and no, we didn't eat the Jell-O afterwards. You are some sick fuckers.
The vast majority of you are going to go to work in a profession that you say you love but which you will truly hate. You will work eight, ten, or maybe even twelve hours a day. It will be fun at first, but then it will become a grind. You will want to quit, but you can't. You need the money, and all the other jobs are the same sort of shit. Welcome to the pain.
You will try to overcome this pain by developing hobbies or perhaps looking for someone to share the rest of your miserable lives with. Good luck. Current stats indicate that half of all marriages end in divorce. Of the half that stay married, you can bet they are hating it. Lots of reasons are given for this which leads us to our next truth.
IV.
My fourth great truth is this. YOU CANNOT FIND HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER PERSON.
No one in the world is ever going to be this for you, and it is stupid and downright immoral to expect it. Most of you will enter into marriage hoping that this person is the ticket to happiness. They aren't. They are the ticket to bad sex and an extra paycheck. Don't get your hopes up. If you can accept this truth, you will find things will go much smoother for you. It will not bother you that your spouse has put on a few pounds or has bad breath in the morning or gives you grief over that toilet seat thing. This is the price of companionship. Grow up. If you can do this, you will find marriage isn't all that bad. You may even be pleasantly surprised.
Four great truths are about all you're going to get today. You have probably already forgotten the first one. But this is what life is for most of you. It is about forgetting. It is forgetting your impending doom, the indifference of the universe, how rotten your job is, and that person you chose to live with. You might find some consolation in a night of TV or some booze or the arms of another lover. You might even find yourselves with Rosie O'Donnell, a midget, and some Jell-O. But I tell you this. If you can accept existence in all its horror, if you can stare Fate straight in the face without flinching, then you will know some taste of happiness.
Know your Fate and love it. Live with it and glory in it. See the sublime beauty of it all and be grateful that you are part of this thing called the Cosmos. Be better than the rest who can do nothing more than bitch and whine. Be noble in all that you do. And when you exit, hold your head high. Though it may be bloodied, it is unbowed. Because no one can take the one thing that is yours, and that is your self-respect. Once you find it, it is a power that will fill you and sustain you for the rest of your days no matter how bad they get. You will not envy anyone. You will not mourn or cry. You will see people dying and know that it is good. You will be above it all, and you will know freedom. And you will consider it a privilege that you were able to participate for such a brief span in this thing we call Life.
You can start forgetting what I said now. Enjoy your day, spend time with your family, and maybe drink some beers.