I am often told stories about events in which I played direct roles, and other frivolities

"There are squirrels in the trees, Rosie!" and other stunning revelations from the upright

(Rosie, who will be nine in less than three weeks and has now lived with me for over half of her excellent life, is an occasional contributor here and last submitted rebarks for publication at the end of last year.)

Like all dogs, I am frequently told information I already know, and which the speaker already knows I know. This is often interspersed with outright lies. It usually goes like this:

“Rosie, today you saw squirrels. Squirrels in the trees!"

Well, where else might they be found, when not taunting dogs, deer, and other animals incapable of climbing trees?

This exhortation is often followed by, “You got them! You got them all!” Which is as deliberately false as the preceding information is undeniably valid: I have not once in over four and a half years in this mansion been allowed to capture a single squirrel, let alone “get” “them all.” These animals, ever the no-goodniks and provocateurs, have been described as tennis balls thrown by God. You figure this out.

Another common refrain is, “You got to run today!” Again, self-evidently the case and right this moment I have the slopstains as evidence. You see, the weather has been mercurial this winter and especially in recent days.

I was mansion-bound for nearly 48 hours other than short hunts for the nearest outdoor restrooms, which in gelid temperatures appear miraculously close to the front door. This was grumpitude in the making, but “we” survived in style.

This afternoon’s rapidwalk was quite pleasant, helped by cheerful upright personnel making their stilted way across the sunny lands of the far eastern reaches of our yard miles to the northeast, which I recently learned encompasses an entire power plant. (We do not have a charter for this.) You may have noticed that people are nicer when the weather is nice, but unusually so after an especially chilly spell. I instead remain equally grateful for these rapidwalks no matter what, and that is that.

Another gratuitous speech accompanies the period after the meal, which I usually order between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. I am often told, right as I am slipping into a nap, “You got to eat!” Well, who would have forgotten to give it at all if not for The Look and The Paw?

And furthermore, this dump from Downtown Obvious is often followed by a spate of jubilant lies, like “Tomorrow you can have a whole chicken! Or cheeeeese!” aka, trigger words. The last time I had a whole chicken to myself was when I had that squirrel pinned under my paws, if you gather the driftage. This has to be some kind of psy-op, along with the random short quizzes like, “Who’s a good dog? Are you a good dog? Is it yooouuu?”

What I do consume on the daily is the next best thing to pizza on cheese-coated chickens. And no, I have no conflicts of interest in releasing this pitch.

A different sort of frequent truism falls technically within the realm of duh-source information, but gives me a tickle nonetheless. This one is “Rosie, you’re keeping us safe.” Yes; yes I am. Not just against personal assaults but crimes against valuable property, such as the motor chariot.

I am thankfully impervious to whatever nonsense I see people yapping about. And I like to think that more Rosie-time for everyone leads to less yaptime over such nonsense.

I am reluctant to distribute invitations to my March 11 birthday bash for fear the mansion will be overrun with adoring attendees. As flattering as this remains, I prefer to pick and choose when and where to appear in public.