"Quit stalking me or else," demands total stranger and secret online follower

Perhaps some newborns should be re-inserted and be permitted to ripen more.

(Note to subscribers: The email version of this contains at least one bad link. This will probably happen again, and is an excellent reason for everyone to just trash their emails from me and visit the site a few hours later when I’ve found and corrected some or even all of the damage.)

I had a lively Saturday night by my standards. At a little after seven, I got the following e-mail:

The sender's name rang no bells, but I already knew that Kim Duclos was somehow involved. On the rare occasions I get abrupt, running-related messages from strangers, the poison can always be traced the same source, even if the delivery system changes. You know the now-iconic line "Life finds a way" from the original Jurassic Park? So does the infantile resentment of the unstable, beer-addled do-nothing. (If you're not already familiar with Ms. Duclos' role in a few choice lives, lucky you. I wouldn't recommend losing yourself in the various miseries linked to above, but to summarize, she hasn't stopped trying to make my life miserable since the 2014 day I fired her despite embarrassing herself in court over four years ago and being told that day to stand down by a judge.)

When I found the sender's Facebook profile, I still didn't recognize him. But thanks to a bizarre, months-old, self-immolating taunt aimed my way from one of the remarkable number of Reddit accounts bearing Kim's undeniable style fingerprints, I did recognize his wife. That thread, which I did not participate in, includes at least a half-dozen frenetic responses from various versions of Kim to herself. I don't have the patience to explain that mess in detail, but in brief, Kim was unhappy that yet another one of her loopy Reddit identities had been discovered and mocked elsewhere, and enlisted an ally -- someone she'd discovered in her online trolling travels, most likely -- in an effort to deny ownership of the account. This did not work even a little bit, but strikes me now as almost heroic in its naked embracing of a strategy that would only lead to snorts of condescending laughter. Too bad for her new pals that they didn't realize what they were in for in pledging whatever allegiance they pledged.

Anyway, rather than reply to the e-mail, I posted a screen shot of it along with a few other niceties to a Twitter account dedicated to displaying Kim's ceaseless absurdities and cruelties, thereby establishing that I was aware of her role in the message I'd just gotten. I didn't tag anyone or even check to see if either member of the couple was on Twitter. Yet very soon after I posted this, I got another email from the same guy, confirming my conclusion.

At this point it was evident that I was dealing with someone who was not only agitated, but even dumber than I'd guessed. (As is common among muddy thinkers, his Timeline is rife with disparagements of libtards, fucktards, and stupid people in general.) I had a choice: I could annoy this guy with return verbal fire, or, because this was fundamentally a Kim Duclos issue, I could call the cops and create a record of his behavior. Believe me, my first instinct was to dig in and again experience the momentary satisfaction of perpetrating one-on-one verbal pyrotechnics with an enfeebled interlocutor. But when it comes to Kim, the prospect of leveraging the system to check her disruptive activities overrides my compulsion to unleash my impish, sarcastic asshole persona, even though that's the only one that's ever gotten me laid.

So, rather than retort to Mr. Capiche-Kapeesh-Q'Apiesche that, coincidentally, I myself had planned to show up at his home, bash him over the head with a cinderblock, and take him to the very same sheriff, I called the local PD, where the nice officer told me to send a message that said "Mr. _____: Don't contact me again or I will involve the police." I did precisely this, and got a shout-out from God as I was typing in it up the form of yet another incoming e-mail:

He didn't like my own far more polite message, and began walking a precarious legal line by replying to it:

Yes, he made himself, in fact everything about himself, quite clear. He must be among the least intelligent people ever to issue any sort of threat at me, online or off. He's literally demanding that I discuss no one at all on social media, as well as promising he can send me up the river for life for noncompliance. Note also that he called me a coward for invoking the authority of the police despite doing this himself. And yes, I did in fact tweet that I don't fuck around, but I'm not sure why this moron assumed this meant I wanted to meet him.

The next evening, a Boulder County sheriff's deputy stopped by. That's another thing about involving the police in the comings and goings of the world's filthy assholes: The police come to your house, and even if it's not with sirens wailings, your neighbors get to wonder why. But the deputy was laid back, even apologetic, and from what he said both overtly and without meaning to, I discerned that the guy who'd decided to pick the fight was worried that I might coming after him and his wife. I think he had no idea how I figured out who he was so quickly and was unnerved . enough to think this had required stalking tools rather than the basic fact of Kim Duclos’ calamitous existence. Hopefully he'll see this post and it will set his mind at ease.

I dislike that this scatterbrained goober decided to e-mail me. He looks and expresses himself like a knock-kneed inbred slob, typical of the kind of person a bottom-feeder like Kim would manage to somehow influence. But all of that notwithstanding, I'm not including his name here because I think everyone deserves one pass, if this counts, when it comes to malfeasance Kim is ultimately behind. I doubt the guy is an aggressor by nature, or maybe he is. But in a move I was advised to eschew, I'm omitting his personal details. (Yeah, his head shot is up there, but he looks like almost every other loudmouth ever spotted in the town where he lives.)

Although I stopped blogging regularly about Kim's antics long ago, they haven't relented -- they've just evolved over time. Any idiot with a smartphone can cause limitless trouble on the Internet using an endless tide of handles and IP addresses, and this has been Kim's main discernible reason for getting out of bed for years. When she washed up here in 2014, it was with the specific intent of making my life worse while showing the local marathon babes whose wide Masshole ass was boss. As it happens, one of these goals was, at least initially, realistic. But she must have realized long ago how evident it was that every "anonymous" snipe she took at me on running sites was coming from a single source, and that because I’d started noting them myself, she might as well be signing her real name to them. For the past couple of years, she's been tracking my engagements with other Internet loons and has managed to enlist a few of them in her demented lying-and-smearing cause, thus acting as perhaps the world's most inept, inbred and misguided shadow-strategist. She has fed her low-wattage peers a variety of misinformation, ranging from me driving without a license to being on government disability for a mental condition to waiting for my girlfriend's nonagenarian mother to die so that I'd have a place to live. Her foulness really knows no bounds, and I'm unsure what combination of adverse biology and improper rearing created it, but it's caused problems for a lot of undeserving people.

In rough parallel with these darling feats, Kim has taken to the ideal online locale for pretending you're someone you're not: Reddit. The Boulder subreddit -- perhaps even more of a roiling mudslide of broken humanity than most subs -- is among the many places she has employed for her libeling antics. As a result, while I don't spend much time there myself, one of my runner friends does, and has developed a keen eye for Kim-isms -- which, it must be said, aren't easy to miss after a while. They are especially easy to pick out on the Boulder sub, because they always consist of rants about what awful human beings Boulderites are, from the rampaging hobos to the elitist racist Boomers who coddle those selfsame destructive bums. At the same time, she’ll pose as a computer scientist, real-estate developer, or engineer with a serious running habit -- that is, a typical Boulderite. So when she creates a new identity, I usually get a message that says "Another account to track."

If all of this sounds pathetic, it is. But Kim is the only one apt to be turning cartwheels over the attention. I'm just here to make note of a threat, and she knew this is just how it would go. And as much satisfaction as I may try to wring from the process of crafting these critiques, they are not attacks. This is me establishing a defensive position. I have no idea why this goofball decided to start trouble now, given that the Reddit episode was over three months ago. But Kim is a vector of needless misery who attracts people like herself when she attracts them at all. So in addition to pointing a huge unregistered M60 out the window at random times and yelling "AWAY FROM THE GREEN MONSTER!" in the general direction of my bad-ass car, I'm now capturing everything out front on a Kamtron -- one furnished, as is happens, by a new subscriber. Each of the last two Januarys, I've lost my driver's-side mirror in overnight incidents of an indeterminate nature, and for all I know the culprit is a regular follower of this blog or one of my "mystery" accounts. Mostly, I just want a valid legal excuse for throwing a heavy spherical metal object at some lumpy vandal's lumpy head hard enough to rip it from its shambles of a torso and render it as a slowly spreading crimson stain on the pavement, so I will probably sleep on the roof with a shot put until it gets too cold for my right shoulder to take the abuse.

Seriously, all of this public crap became preventable years ago. Don’t be obnoxious twats. Don't pursue people around the Web to see what they're up to so you can try to get them ousted or ostracized or play the spoiler in my already pointless flame wars with randos. But most of all, don't do things that have people like you, inbred or otherwise, making threats to people like me. The next step here is to introduce Kimbo’s boyfriend by name and describe all of his known and alleged sexual perversions, with Kim's own messages to me as evidence. If these characters think there are lines I won't cross here because I don't want the wrong people to get messy, they've been ignoring every move I have made on this and other fronts for a long time.