Three Takeaways from Kevin (THE G.O.A.T.) Beck’s Training
He lives on shit. He hates everyone. And he does it all with a smile. What's his secrets? We decided to find out.
(After reading the “takeaways” below, the irregulars among you—i.e., those of you who loyally read Beck of the Pack posts—will coorectly suspect that their author is the same person who started submitting reviews of David Roche’s Trail Runner articles earlier this year. Enjoy.)
Buckle your seat belts trail runners—lately, Kevin has been leaving his faithful canine companion Rosie at home when he covers sustained runs. No time for accommodating rodent and pest patrol when you’re running 113 miles in JUST the last week. Who knew that some people even run high mileage?
He likes daydreaming about racing, which makes a running geek like me giddy to the motherfucking core!! I think I may name my son Kilian Kevin Roche, unless someone else catches my attention before the kid gets himself born.
Now it’s time to make slipshod conclusions based upon a vague, nonresearched understanding of Kevin’s blog. Below are the three takeaways all us peons potentially can use based on Kevin’s phenomenal training. Let’s GO!
ONE
In the past four weeks, Keven eked out just over 400 miles, and 4000 in the past 52 weeks. I don’t have access to his Garmin data, but I’d estimate that 54.453% of his miles were run in Pyramidal Zone 1—FLIPPING ZONE ONE. No one expects a phenominal runner to be spending so much time running slow.
Kevin is such a GOAT that he’s running even when he’s not running. If for 25 mostly unbroken minutes, he maintains a footstep cadence in the 150-plus range and a heart rate above maybe 110, Garmin credits him with a 25-minute run. That’s LSD—not the dangerous kind that can get you arrested, but long slow distance, baby! It’s groundbreaking to know that moving more actually improves your fitness level! I guess that means less Netflix and chill and more walk and thrill!
TWO
Kevin doesn’t get injured. Most of his friends, even younger ones, deal with some kind of serious injury over any given one-year period. He’s stoked to have ducked that version of malaise without being especially proactive, or at all proactive. Being proactive is clearly overrated; run too little, never—run too much, ALWAYS!
He even dons worn-out shoes, and lives on garbage. (I knew broccoli was disgusting ever since I was 3—told ya, mom!) I’m going to start advising my coaching clients to toss their needless fruits and veggies and head right over to McDonalds—even better, Domino’s, a place Kevin is rumored to frequent. Wearing worn out shoes is likely a great idea, and it saves money to boot – SCORE! More money for hookers and blow!
Kevin is such a GOAT that he manages to stay uninjured despite taking his dog on rodent-rich routes, because he prefers to keep her entertained. Even the sexiest MILF spotted on a run hasn’t managed to get Kevin injured, which implies he needs to move to a more densely populated MILF region.
THREE
Consistency is sexy. I can hardly blame my co-coach and wife Megan for finding Kevin’s training sexier than she finds me.
He uses Garmin data to assure himself he’s averaging around an hour a day running. He always “knows” this is true in the same way you all “know” your average highway driving speed is between 60 and 80 miles an hour despite occasional gridlock and just-as-occasional segments of 95 MPH across the Utah desert, and just like I know he runs 44.53254634% of his training in Zone 2.
Based on this, it’s safe to conclude he’s possibly running 7.22 miles a day with approximately an elevation gain of 62 feet per mile.
Kevin maintains a keen interest in Garmin’s providing rolling totals over 7-, 28- , and 364-day time spans. If his total number of steps doesn’t change much from one week to the next, he knows he’s being consistent in the immediate term. If it’s around the same from one month to the next, he’s being consistent in the short term. And so on. Analyzing this sexy data, it’s safe to conclude that running frequently could possibly result in gaining fitness.
SUMMARY
We can’t all reach GOAT status, but we can all live like Kevin in our own way. Run when you’re not running and experiment with LSD (ha ha). Stop stressing about eating healthy—he doesn’t worry, and he’s thin, so why should anyone? In case you need backup, Kilian is thin too, and I saw a picture of him eating a Twinkie at an aid station. You don’t need fancy Nike super shoes—wear the worn out pair you find at Goodwill, or maybe your mom has a pair of worn out heels.
Finally, be sexy at all times—sexily consistent I mean! Maybe you live where you can only run 34 feet per mile instead of 62 feet per mile, but maybe run over the speed bumps a few extra times. Chase after that MILF – bonus extra Pyramidal Zone 1 time!! See ya at Domino’s!